100+ Funny Family Quotes And Sayings (2023)

In this article, I will show you beautiful Funny Family Quotes. All of us would like to be happy and fun all the time. So that, you can select the most funny quotes to share that quote with your family members to show your sence of humour for them. Have fun!

If you want to make a joke on that day, have a look at our Wedding Jokes.

  1. All my life I was the head of the family. This is what my wife ordered before the wedding.
  2. Marriage is an original attempt to cut costs in half by doubling them.
  3. My family is big! Three children: Two from me and one from my mother-in-law!
  4. Ideal family: dad works, mom is beautiful!
  5. Only when the number of computers is equal to the number of family members, complete mutual understanding in the family.
  6. A real man must build a house, plant a tree, raise a son, and everything else that his wife says.
  7. The main thing in a family is to properly distribute responsibilities. He takes out the trash, I am the ordering it.
  8. A working person or a family person
  9. All people are born free and equal. Then some get married.
  10. Mother-in-law is the mother of an ideal woman who is unlucky with her husband.
  11. In family life, the main screw is a bolt.
  12. The family is the elimination of bad habits and the starting of new common ones.
  13. In a happy family, the wife thinks that the money comes from a tree, the husband thinks that the food is taken from the refrigerator, and the children think that they were found in cabbage.
  14. A husband is all that remains of a man after marriage.
  15. Every self-respecting man should know two phrases: Let me eat! and Let me eat in peace!
  16. The main person in the family is not the one who makes money, but the one who spends it.
  17. Sex life in marriage is like a scholarship. It happens regularly, but you can’t live on it.
  18. A married woman is always expected at home.
  19. The family replaces everything. Therefore, before starting it, you should think what is more important to you.
  20. If a man is the head of the family, then he is almost certainly a bachelor.
  21. Nothing spoils family life like a personal secretary.
  22. If a man is the head of the family, then he is almost certainly a bachelor.
  23. Marriage is a boring lunch with dessert at the start.
  24. In family life, shutting up on time is a great talent!
  25. Married men live longer. Why get married? Just find a woman you will hate in five years and give her your house.
  26. All people are born free and equal in rights, but some then get married.
  27. If a man is the head of the family, then he is almost certainly a bachelor.
  28. Marriage is an art and it needs to be renewed every day.
  29. My wife from morning till night: Give money, give money, give money! Husband: Why does she need so much money? I do not know. I never gave it!
  30. Women also love tinkering: for example, they do not try to marry perfection at all. They prefer to finish their husbands themselves.
  31. Husband and wife are watching a horror movie. A witch appears on the screen. Wife: oh, mom !!! And Husband: I found out, yes !!!
  32. Your child finally became an adult if he stopped asking you where he came from.
  33. Marriage is the only kind of prison from which you will be released by bad behaviours.
  34. There should be equality in the family: one is right, and the other is husband! 🙂
  35. A Beautiful woman married a Fool man and became the woman a Fool.
  36. Women are like children, almost immediately into tears and to their mother.
  37. Family life is also good because it is given more than once.
  38. A marriage is an event after which a man stops buying flowers and starts buying vegetables.
  39. The opinions of the husbands may sometimes differ, which is always the case.
  40. In our family, it is usually like this: Althrough our dad said, everything will be like mom’s!
  41. My wife and I exchange opinions. I come with my opinion and I leave with her.
  42. “I haven’t had such a virus yet” said by the son-in-law when he saw his mother-in-law at his computer.
  43. The family is the elimination of their bad habits and the starting of new common ones.
  44. Morning in the family: Honey, I will quickly look on the Internet- Sure! I will feed the children myself.
  45. My wife finally learned how to cook. Now it’s up to me to learn to eat what she cooks!
  46. An ideal marriage: she plays the first violin, but he doesn’t care.
  47. Of all my wife’s relatives, I like me the most.
  48. In an ideal family, the wife does not know where the money comes from, and the husband has no idea where it goes.
  49. If there is one child in a family, then he is a selfish man. If there are 10 children in a family, then a selfish man is a father.
  50. Everything in our family is fair! Husband rules everything! But for my decisions!
  51. The husband is such a creature who having washed the plates and will look at his wife as if he had cleaned the whole apartment.
  52. Family life is when you lie, eat and watch TV shows with a person with whom you had sex before.
  53. The husband is always right, but the wife is never wrong.
  54. Family happiness happens when the wife does not have time to spend the money that her husband earns.
  55. Happiness is a marriage in which one half snores, and the other does not hear.
  56. A well-educated husband should meow at his wife’s barking.
  57. If you come from a business trip, and the apartment is clean, the children are doing their homework, the wife is cooking, the mother-in-law is knitting, and the dog is sleeping peacefully in its place. But they have broken your computer!
  58. -Son! We all start a new life on Monday! I quit losing weight, dad will quit smoking. And you? -And I can quit school.
  59. Over the years, the center of family life has shifted from the bedroom to the kitchen.
  60. A king in the family should be a man. Let him think that the shoe on his head is a crown.
  61. I am the owner of the family, and my wife allows me to talk like that.
  62. The family should have everything equally: wife-fur coat, husband-tie.
  63. It’s bad when you are one man in the family.
  64. I am not worried that I am already a grandfather, the only bad thing is that I am married to my grandmother.
  65. According to a survey of the population, the Day of the Airborne Forces is recognized as the most family holiday. On this day, it is best to sit at home and watch TV.
  66. The surest way to get your wife to listen to you carefully is to talk in your sleep.
  67. In marriage, the less friction, the more crimes.
  68. Mom doesn’t argue. She explains the situation.
  69. Do not forget that everything in the family should be equally divided: a new fur coat for a wife, socks for a husband.
  70. A smart wife remains silent while an angry husband screams and scolds and she start a conversation with him when he is silent.
  71. Prosperity in the family is when the profit is faster than the wife.
  72. In the evening, the husband says to his wife: Listen, let’s jump on the bed today. Let the neighbors think that you and I are having sex! In the morning, the wife to her husband: Listen, knock on your plate with a spoon today. Let the neighbors think that I gave you something to eat!
  73. If family life did not work out, then it was a marriage.
  74. Many people say that married people have nothing to do. They lie! Things are like hell!
  75. A successful marriage is when you have the opportunity to have a mistress, and you have fish in an aquarium or a cat.
  76. Mother-in-law, take care of your daughter-in-law. The next one could be even worse.
  77. My wife doesn’t want to grow up! When I take a bath, and she sinks my boats.
  78. The man’s house is his fortress, but only outside. Inside, it is most often a children’s room.
  79. It is very important to know the history of your family tree, and to honor the memory of your ancestors! The deeper your roots, the harder it is to uproot you.
  80. Spouses with experience live in perfect harmony during the day, and at night, ass to ass.
  81. I’m brilliant! From one moron I managed to give birth to 2 angels!
  82. If within an hour a woman has never reproached her husband, then she is not married.
  83. The beloved husband is a ideal man who is married to make a completely different person out of him.
  84. A woman is a keeper of the house, in which the family budget is burned.
  85. Dear, do you remember how we met young, got married, began to live together. I remember, I remember, do not be distracted, my dishes!
  86. Mom does not hang out on the Internet, she keeps up with the times.
  87. The wife’s salary is her salary! And the husband’s salary is the family budget.
  88. Here are my debts for marriage.
  89. – Dear, I have a wild headache! – And what will we do? – Let’s make Love!!
  90. The head of the family, without a doubt, should be the husband. However, on one condition: if he deserves it. Well, if he is not worthy, then why is he?
  91. A right wife is a crown for her husband, and one who behaves shamefully is like rot in his bones.
  92. It’s bad if the family’s neck (wife) is mobile, nervous, and the head (husband’s) is heavy and slows down.
  93. Mother-in-law, take care of your daughter-in-law because the next one could be even worse !!!
  94. To overcome family conflicts, husbands need to do everything in turn: for two days the wife does whatever he wants, then the husband does whatever the wife wants for two days. Wives call it a compromise.
  95. My wife and I live in perfect harmony. And our thoughts are the same. For example, we see a beautiful SKIRT on a beautiful bottom and THINK together: “I would like this”
  96. Ideal family: dad works, mom is beautiful.
  97. Honey, would you like me to bring you that star over there? -No, dear, today you will sleep at home!
  98.  All husbands dream that their wives would treat them like dogs. They fed them, cuddled them and let them go for a walk at night.
  99. If a man is the head of the family, then he is almost certainly a bachelor.
  100. The wife’s salary is her salary! And the husband’s salary is the family budget.

John Max

John Max is the founder of TimesHQ and former senior engineer of WhatsApp. He wrote many e books and well known for many mobile app developments. He is very professional in both software and mobile app development field. 

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