Husband Wife Jokes in 2020

Marriage life is not only for duties but also for fun. You need to enjoy your lives together with your better half. So I am happy if you both read our jokes on marriage and have a little piece of happiness. You can read, smile, or maybe even laugh! Here we provide a massive collection of Funny Marriage Jokes under a few categories. So please read the latest Husband Wife Jokes, and share with friends in social networks like WhatsApp as our article is full of the best jokes about marriage.

Short Husband Wife Jokes

Short Husband Wife Jokes
  • If the husband respects his wife, he shares a beer with her.
  • Spiritual love is certainly possible, but only between boys.
  • Girls, get married! No man should go unpunished!
  • Do not want the horns to grow on the forehead; love your wife.
  • Dude, just get married and wrap your towel incorrectly.
  • Poorly hidden father’s nest egg turns into the maternal property. 
  • A husband’s large fat belly is a reliable protection for family life.
  • Wife: I’m leaving you! Husband in a rush: I’m with you !!!
  • To make the wives happy, husbands just need to go on a business trip.
  • No one wants my wife as much as I do.
  • Ugly women are always jealous of their husbands.
  • In a happy marriage, husband and wife walk without panties at home.
  • It is tough to change a former lover who became your wife
  • If the husband does not go to his wife, then the wife goes to a neighbor.
  • When the guests stay too long, my husband asks me to sing.
  • I’m tired of this love triangle – work, lover, wife. Therefore, I no longer work.
  • Marriage is when a woman’s husband protects everyone from her.

Wife Jokes

Wife Jokes
  • My husband and I came home from the store. We removed the mask. It turned out that my husband is not mine!
  • The cunning wife put the bed in the middle of the room, away from the walls, and now the husband does not know where to turn off after sex.
  • I decided to lose weight. So I asked my husband to support me honestly. I saw a note on the refrigerator after I come home: “Fat wife – a shame for the family!”
  • I look at myself in the mirror – why is my husband so happy, then I get up on the scales!
  • The wife’s task is to spend as much as possible so that her husband doesn’t have enough for his mistress!
  • Ladies, do you always blame husband even if it is you who broke the plate or was not at home at that moment.
  • I was so disappointed in a female friendship that when I want to complain to someone about my husband, I just complain to him.
  • Yesterday, my husband and I had dinner, drank wine, and suddenly we were drawn to a fairy tale. Like, I’m all such Snow White, and my husband was a Dwarf seven times.

Husband Jokes

Husband Jokes
  • I fought with my wife, she wanted to take out the trash, and today it’s my turn! I’m going outside!
  • The husband wrote a status on his phone, “My wife is the most beautiful and most beloved!” and only after that, his wife fed him.
  • When you come home late, don’t think what to say to your wife: she will tell you everything.
  • All wives believe that they are easy to lose; all husbands are sure that it is almost impossible.
  • According to many wives, if a husband thinks not only about her but also himself, he is a mean and selfish person.
  • The husband enjoys seeing his wife sad. If the wife has a cheerful face, then she’s up to something.
  • Recently, his wife experienced laser vision correction. Now I clean my apartment three times as often.
  • If your wife, after a quarrel with you, went to live with your mother, do not rush to enjoy, she will be back in a couple of hours.
  • In a marriage where the wife is the husband’s business card, the husband is usually the wife’s credit card.
  • If a husband beats his wife, then this is terrorism. And if a wife beats her husband, then he should be trash.
  • It is foolish not to cheat on your wife. Because when one day you find out that she was cheating on you, it will be painful for years, which you spent aimlessly.
  • When I argue with my wife, we as a group at a show. We start with new material and end with the best hits. 
  • Your girlfriend should be liked only by you, and not by your parents, friends, and especially your wife.
  • My wife said that I spend a little time with the child, and then she pointed to some small boy in our house.
  • Family Chronicles. My wife went on a diet and began to give her dinner to me, so we became enemies.
  • If the wife complains that you are never going anywhere, invite her to go out for a beer together.
  • I came to my wife. She asked to sharpen the knives. I began to think while doing that I have not sharpened knives at home for several years, but they are sharp. 
  • My wife and I have an agreement. We spend the saved money equally on our favorite activities. She flew to Thailand, and I’m busy putting 200 bottles of vodka.
  • When a wife paints her nails in different colors, this is the fashion. It is exciting and beautiful. And when I’m in different socks, I’m stupid.

Funny Conversation Between Husband and Wife

Funny Conversation Between Husband and Wife
  • Damn, this global panic with the coronavirus – the husband is angry. “And don’t say it, honey.” And just in case, buy some pasta and stew.
  • An upset husband comes home weakly and without undressing, eats without appetite. The wife decided to please her husband and says: – Dear! I am pregnant!!! The husband said: – And you too 
  • Husband: – I’m going to cook dinner! – Seriously? Is God willing? – Will you help, my goddess?
  • A husband comes from work and shouts: “Where is my sweet bunny?” The wife replies, “I’m here!” And he roars under his breath: “You are an evil rabbit, I called my daughter!”
  • One night I woke up and told my wife that I need sex, and she said to me from sleep: “100 dollars per hour!”
  • Husband to his wife: Did you see a toothpick? And Wife, contemptuously:In your pants.
  • I once dreamed that my wife was snoring loudly. I wake up: nothing like that – I’m not married!
  • Doctor, my wife says it’s good to eat raw food. “Mine doesn’t like to cook either.”
  • Wife to her husband: What are you afraid of him, are you a man or a mouse? Oh, I wanted something cheese
  • Father is washing the dishes; the little son asks: Dad, how many years have you been working with your mother? My wife and I go to the theaters, my wife and I go shopping.
  • My wife made a discovery this morning. We sit, have breakfast, read the news on iPads. She suddenly breaks the silence and says: Listen, there’s not so much a million, it’s only a thousand.
  • The wife expressed a desire to give her clothes to poor, starving families. I said that if her clothes are 58 sizes in size, they are not so poor. 

Funny Question to ask a Husband or a Wife

Funny Question to ask a Husband or a Wife
  • How can you spoil your wife’s birthday if you don’t even remember when it is?
  • They say that wives leave men who drink more often. I’m wondering – how much should I drink so that mine leaves me?
  • She calmly says to him: Honey, What did you think? Such people with a golden heart, iron health and steel nerves are not light!
  • Do you want a strong relationship for years? Do not punch your phone to your husband 
  • How to explain to his wife that, even though his son is only three months old, and he wants to play LEGO now?
  • If you had a choice: take your wife to the resort or repaint the car, what color would you choose?
  • My wife and I have been living for 15 years, and she tried to kiss me yesterday. Maybe she likes me?

Dirty Jokes for Wives

Dirty Jokes for Wives
  • After ten years of married life, not only the wife but also the husband has a headache before sex.
  • I found a message from some slut on my husband’s phone. Shame, confusion, tears! After rechecking, it turned out that these are my old messages.
  • Yesterday I made myself a mask of purple clay, covered my whole body with it. So in my entire evening, he ran after me, screaming that he wanted sex with an eggplant.
  • Mom teaches her daughter: If you want a good husband, then marry a good boy. At this time, dad teaches his son: If you want a good wife, then marry a bad girl

Meaningful Jokes on Marriage

Meaningful Jokes on Marriage
  • Marriage rests on patience. Moreover, each spouse is sure that he suffers.
  • In my relationship with my wife, no one pulls a blanket over ourselves, because we sleep in different rooms.
  • Modern families are husband and wife sitting in different angles at computers.
  • Sara stood on the scales. The husband looks at the scale and giggles silently.
  • Tell me who your husband is, and I understand him from the bottom of my heart.
  • The husband’s purchasing power always lags behind the wife’s consumer needs.
  • Clever men choose such ugly girls as wives so that no one else will look at them and pick up such beauty as their lovers so that all the other men desire 
  • Whatever the fight between the husband and wife, the husband’s wallet always becomes empty.
  • From married life, the first year of living together: he says – she listens. Second-year: she says – he is listening. Third-year: they both say – the neighbors are listening 
  • The strength of a relationship between spouses can be judged by the fact that the husband changed the photo of his wife to a cat on the screensaver of a mobile phone.

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