Funny Jokes

Top 50 Old People Jokes in 2020

Welcome to my article, which is full of Old People Jokes! They are so fun that you can make your grandparents or any old people so amazed. So make them happy and spend some memorable moments with these jokes! It will be so fun.

  1. In a village, an old couple was writing a letter to God: Lord, send us 10 thousand rubles for coal. Otherwise, we will freeze. Only one hope from you. They tied the letter to a ball and released it into the sky. At that moment, there were two cops at the post. The saw this the flying ball and caught that. They read the letter and felt sorry for them. Then they counted the money and gave seven thousand to that couple. The next day, again, a ball came with a letter. Again cops caught the ball and read the letter: Lord, thank you! But please do not pass more through the cops. Because those cunning people took three thousand from that money.
  2. An old lady asks her maid: Who sounds there? Then maid answers: This is your husband grinding his teeth. Again old lady aks: But, he has no teeth! Then the maid answers: He sounds with yours.
  3. I’m not a fairytale character. But I came to my grandmother to listen to her stories without a basket and went home with a whole packet of pies.
  4. A Grandson asks their army Grandfather: Did your arm break off in the war? Then he answers: Yes, grandson. Again son asks: How did this happen? Then the older man: When I moved the control board.
  5. In kindergarten, We would be faster to go to school. At school, we would be faster to go to college. After the institute, we would be faster to work. Again at work, we wanted to get a pension soon. After retiring, I sit in a kindergarten.
  6. A grandfather and grandson are presenting at the marriage registry office: Grandfather, why does the groom sign? Then he replies: Promise to act of unconditional surrender for granddaughter.
  7. An 85-year-old man does not normally buy LED bulbs because he always thinks: They have been around for ten years. I won’t live that much.
  8. The older man married a young girl. At the wedding night, an older man asked her wife: Didn’t your mom tell you what to do this night? Then she replied no. Then he replied: Same here. I forgot.
  9. While buying Food from a trolley bus. Opposite two older women are talking and here is a conversation between them: Can you imagine, My cousin died. Then the other one asks: From old age? Then the other old one replies: What are you talking about? She was only 71 years old.
  10. Dad, why doesn’t the stork bring me a brother? Because he is afraid of how to bring the devil to take your grandmother.
  11. Every evening I tell my grandson stories. But I end the same way for them like: They got married and lived happily ever after. The reason is that because the bride was a child.
  12. I don’t understand. Food prices are rising, the public apartments get expensive, expansion does not stop, and pensioners do not die.
  13. A little son asks his father: Dad, why does Grandfather have a star on his shoulder, and you have some pitchforks? Mother-in-law answers from the kitchen: Well, why are you silent? Answer your son.
  14. At the factory, he wanted to work until retirement, but his fingers ran out earlier.
  15. A grandson approaches his grandmother and asks: Grandmother, can you have children? Then she replies: Well, what are you talking about? No, of course. Again the boy told his sister: I said to you that she is a male!
  16. An older woman bought the telephone connection for the first time. Soon she called the telephone assembling company: Kindly help me. My telephone wire is too long, and I stick to it all the time. Please pull it a little from your end.
  17. An old grandmother comes to a doctor and says: Doctor, my leg really hurts! The doctor replies: Well, what do you want? After all, you are 80 years old. Then the grandmother replies: The other leg is also 80 years old, but it does not hurt! 
  18. I started using capslock instead of a shift. So close to retirement.
  19. An older man married a young girl. A year later, he brought her to the hospital to give birth to his child. The doctor says: You must always keep the engine running. A year later, he brought his wife again to give birth. Then the doctor said: Well, grandpa, you can! The doctor was also surprised: The motor must be kept working! Grandfather was so proud. A year later, the wife gave birth again. But this time, the doctor whispered to the older man to his ear: A little black was born!
  20. I survived one war, three car accidents, one plane accident, two unsuccessful marriages and one successful, and one bankruptcy. And now my grandson comes and says: Grandfather, you don’t understand anything in life!
  21. Our shorts are shorter than the shorts for our grandmother’s.
  22. An old pensioner was passing a prostitute who stood on the street. He put a short glance at her. Suddenly, she told him: 50 dollars with a condom, 100 dollars without a condom. The senior citizen said spitefully: I’ll give you 200 bucks if you can put it on me! 
  23. An 80-year-old man complains to the doctor: I have tinnitus after sex. What is it? The Doctor: Congrats Grandpa! 
  24. An 80-year-old woman filed for divorce after she found out that her 84-year-old husband was pretending to be not deaf for many years not to listen to her talk. He did not tell a word for ten years of marriage. His wife even learned sign language to communicate with her husband: For two years I learned sign language, and as soon as I finished it, My husband started having vision problems.
  25. An elderly lady went to the pharmacy: Daughter! Give me my medicine for migraines. These blue pack with a white line. The pharmacist asks: Don’t you know what it is? It is family panning medicine. Then old lady answers: Yes, I know. I put my granddaughter tea in the morning. So that my head does not hurt all day – Old People Jokes
  26. Finally, good news for senior citizens: Now you can go to the Maldives without a visa!
  27. Once a great-grandmother was asked how she felt when she had her first great-grandson. She answered: It was wonderful. But until I realized that I had become the mother of him!
  28. A child congratulates his grandmother: Grandmother, I wish you a happy birthday and.. Then the grandmother asks: And you wish? Then the boy replies: I wish borsch with cookies, will you cook? 
  29. Is it possible for you, a seventy-year-old man, to marry a twenty-year-old girl? After all, she is too young for you! He answers: You’re right. We’ll have to wait another two years.
  30. A Grandmother is advising her granddaughter: Youngers like you should obey to the elders. You know, Little Red Riding Hood was naughty, and the Gray Wolf ate it. Then little one replies: Yes, I know, but first he ate her grandmother.
  31. A little came to her mom and said: Mom, give me money. I will give it to the poor older woman. Then mom responded: Wow! you are so good, my daughter! A poor older woman, she can’t work! Then little one replied: Why she can’t? She’s selling candy. 
  32. A conversation between two old women in a hospital: All the men must obey all the woman and at home too. Then the other one answers: Yes, exactly. Is that your husband obeying you? Next one: Yes, in everything. Again the other old lady asks: And mine too, but where is yours now? Then they both answers to each other: died.
  33. We could not decide whether to cremate or bury grandmother, so we decided to leave her alive.
  34. I respect older people who are nice, interesting speakers, and lovers. But if a person is bad at 20 and 40, bastard at 60, then why should he be respected only because he is old and sick? 
  35. A doctor asks the pensioner: How often do you go to the toilet in a long walk? Then he replies: Well, about once every two weeks. Again the doctor asks: Why so rare? Then the old man says: Yes, with my pension, it often doesn’t work. 
  36. An absent-minded professor sat in a hairdresser’s chair: Please cut it. The hairdresser asks gladly: Mr Professor, but first, I would ask you to take off your hat. Then he replies: Oh, I’m sorry. I did not notice that there are ladies!
  37. A reporter arrived at the house where several centenarians gathered to learn the secret of such a long life. He asked one lovely older woman: What do you think? Why did God allow you to live to be ninety-two? She answered, smiling: Probably to test the patience of my relatives.
  38. YouTube is like my grandmother. Only you will tell him that you like something, and he will give you so much that you will begin to feel sick.
  39. Three older women are talking on a bench. One says: I am already 60, and I have all my teeth. The second: I am already 65, and my hair is as thick as in my youth. Finally, the third: That is praised! I don’t have teeth, and my hair is rare and grey. And I’m older than you 70 years old, but I’m still a virgin!
  40. A professor who was in alzheimer forgot the key at home. Then he knocked on the door. The old servant appeared: The professor is not at home. He is at a lecture. Then he said: Okay, I’ll come back later.
  41. An older woman called her son in the morning and asked him to come urgently. She said: In my opinion, a thief is sitting in my closet. He said: Why do you think so? Then she answered: I heard some talking there at night. Then the excited son replies: Why didn’t you call me right away? Finally, the older woman replied: I didn’t want to bother you so late because of nonsense. I hit the cupboard with nails and went to sleep.
  42. An old gentleman walks past a bridge and hears a cry from the river: Help! Help! Please help me! The elderly gentleman bends to the fence of the bridge, and angrily says: We must shout. Save me, please!
  43. At a doctor’s appointment: Listen, doctor, I’m 80 years old, and I’m still running after the girls! Then the doctor says: So that’s great! Suddenly older man answers: Yes, I don’t remember why. 
  44. An older woman looks a pram with care: What lovely twins! Boys? Then the stroller lady answers: No, just one baby on the left. On the right is a watermelon.
  45. An older couple was sitting in the park. They remembered their youth. Then the old husband said: Come on, like in the past days. I will come to you on a date. And then you will come to me, and we will go to dinner. The older wife agreed. Grandfather went out and waited for an hour, two, and third. But he was tired, and he went again into the home: Hey, darling, why didn’t you come out? Then she replied: Mom didn’t let me out!
  46. A grandmother shouts his grandson: Little Johnny, you have to cover your mouth with your hand when you cough. The little one replies: Don’t be afraid, grandmother, my teeth will not fly out like you did the day before yesterday.
  47. For all winter holidays, Santa Claus will give grandchildren to grandfathers and grandmothers who misbehaved this year.
  48. At the family gathering, a great-grandmother suddenly began to laugh. When others asked about the reason for the fun, she replied: I suddenly remembered that you are here only because I was once fucked.
  49. Hello, is this on the phone? – Yes – Why in a whisper? Again from the other end: Grandchildren are sleeping.
  50. An eighty-year-old donor married a twenty-five-year-old beauty. When he was asked why he married such a young girl, he replied: Let the smell of perfumes around me rather than naphthalene in the remaining years.

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